'The Quest for Christ Project'

Beginning on October 10th, 2011, I am starting a year long campaign I am calling 'The Quest for Christ Project' or Q4CP. I have already started blogging about what I learning and the plans I have at the following link:
http://thequestforchristproject.wordpress.com/
Most of my writing will be concentrated there for the next year, although I may still be inspired to write here once in a while. Please go check out the new blog and feel free to join the project...it should be an amazing year!

7 Practical Points for Communicating with Your Spouse

Most ‘bumps’ that occur in marriages come from bad communication habits that have been developed over time. Here are some tried and true practical points to help you overcome the difficulties we sometimes face in communicating with our spouses:

      1. Take time to connect with each other – the  way your spouse needs to connect.

‘Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.’

 Proverbs 12:18

Good communication between a husband and wife is a function of emotional connection.  When a couple feels connected, they communicate well, and when they feel disconnected they communicate poorly, regardless of their choice of words and communication techniques. If you are not emotionally bonded, you will miscommunicate often.

2.  Give the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best, not the worst.

‘A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.’ Proverbs 17:27

Frequently we do the opposite. We often operate as if our spouse has bad intentions or is out to get us. We need to make sure we give them the benefit of the doubt until we find out for sure what is going on. We cannot continue to jump to conclusions because, when you do, it is usually a jump off a cliff of misunderstanding.

3.  Achieve understanding.

‘The words of a man's mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.’  Proverbs 18:4

When communicating with your spouse, take the time to make sure you achieve understanding. Don’t just assume your spouse understands, but don’t make them feel like you’re talking down to them either. It is easy to get frustrated when our spouses don’t understand right away and for our tone to become sarcastic or condescending.  A healthy dose of patience in our communication can go a long way to eliminating misunderstandings.

4.  Be honest, but not mean.

‘Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.’ Ephesians 4:15

Some think being ‘brutally’ honest is the best approach, but let’s just say the word ‘brutal’ should stay out of marriages all together! On the contrary, the Bible says ‘Speak the truth in love…’ and that is the key. Being lovingly honest and not mean-spirited is the heart behind good communication. We have to tell the truth, but be kind in doing so. When we get questions like ‘How do you like my hair?’ or ‘Does this make me look fat?,’ we can communicate honestly, lovingly and thoughtfully.  For instance, if asked, ‘How do you like my outfit?,’  you can say, ‘Honestly, it’s not my favorite, but I really like…” and fill in the blank with something you can compliment.

5.  Don’t make decisions or have meaningful and/or important conversations when one of you is tired or emotional.

‘When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.’

Proverbs 10:19

You may feel like you have to have a decision made from your mate when they are in the midst of exhaustion or emotional turmoil, but it is always better to wait. Let them get some rest or settle down before you engage in the topic. Don’t let “good times go bad” due to poor timing.  Sometimes, it is best to just let it go and wait for a better time. Odds are the conversation or decision will be much better when you go this route!

6.  Have planning times where you talk business, and play times when business talk is not allowed.

‘The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.’ Proverbs 16:21

Never running through your schedules and plans is just asking for trouble, but so is just talking about schedules and business. You spouse is your loving companion, not your business partner. Try this: Have a planning time on Sunday night to discuss your schedule and what the plans are for the coming week. Also, as a part of those plans, schedule time to go on a date or at least make time for meaningful and fun conversation.

7.  Encourage, encourage, and encourage again.

‘Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.’  

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are sweet and we don’t hear them near enough. Share kind words and encouragement with your spouse daily. Be deep with them as well. ‘You are really great honey’ is good, but go deeper and share more meaningfully. It will strengthen your spouse’s soul!

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!  Be patient as you implement these tips, and watch the communication in your marriage blossom and grow in ways you never thought possible!

'This is How We Role' Part II: The Wife's Role

Part II of my posts entitled "This is How We Role" deals with the wife's role in the marriage relationship. Her's is equally challenging, and no less rewarding. Let's go back to our texts in Ephesians and 1 Peter to see what God has to say for the wives...

Ephesians 5:22-24

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

1 Peter 3:1-6 

 ¹Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ²when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. ³Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. ⁴Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. ⁵For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, ⁶like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Paul's instructions through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit strike right to the heart of women (just like they do to men!). Women, like their mother Eve, have a sinful inclination to usurp man’s authority and to try and take control of things themselves. Women tend to use emotions as a means to an end in an attempt to gain control of situations, knowing that most men are afraid of emotion and don't understand them very well. Men have a sinful inclination to put women under their feet, which plays right into the battle for control. It gets even more destructive when the war is at home. God understands the root of it all and calls wives to submit to husbands. In 1 Peter he calls upon the example of Sarah and calls wives to submit to their husbands as their 'master'. Now, let's make sure we provide this caveat, under no means does this clear the way for husbands to engage in abuse or disrespect. Remember husbands, you are to love as Christ loves, and that standard leaves no room for any kind of boorish behavior. Still, the whole submission 'thing' wrinkles all kinds of noses and has been dismissed as too 'old school' or 'too archaic', but it is no less true today than it was when it was written. When we step outside of the order that God has established, chaos ensues and relationships are frequently damaged. A godly household will contain a husband who loves like Jesus does and a wife who submits to his authority, any other way just doesn't cut it. 


Paul hits the nail on the head as to why this is so hard for many women. At the end of verse 6 of 1 Peter 3 it says,' if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.' At the core of a woman’s lack of submission is fear. Here is a list of fears that some women have and sometimes carry into their marriages (these were confirmed by my wife to be true!):


Fear of losing her identity.
Fear of giving someone else control.
Fear of intimacy.
Fear of being hurt.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of trust.


These fears grip and grab hold of many women's hearts and make submission nearly impossible. In order to overcome and to engage in submission to your husband, it first takes submission to the Creator. Once you learn to submit to God fully, submitting to your husband will be more attainable. Here are some submission practicals for wives:

1)      Maintain a close relationship with God. When you are close to God and desiring to please Him, you will want to submit to God’s plan and that will help motivate you to please your husband. 

2)      Pray! A submissive spirit comes from the God. We can’t change our hearts but God can and he will if we are willing to let him.

3)      Don’t 'submit' in order to get what you want from your husband, do it out of love and obedience to God. It takes humility (see Phillipians 2). If Jesus could humble himself to be a man, wives, you can humble yourselves to submit to your husbands. 

4)      Focus on the good in your husband. When you "catch our husbands doing good” rather than focusing on their mistakes, it helps motivate him to strive to please God and you more.

5)      Entrust difficult situations to God. In times of disagreement, when it’s difficult to surrender, pray for God’s wisdom for you and your spouse.  Submit to your husband’s decision knowing that it is God’s will for you  to follow his lead. Wives must entrust and surrender to God trusting in His perfect love and His perfect plans.

6)      Seek advice and wisdom. Talk to other Christian wives who are submissive. There may be some situations where it would help to have an outsider’s viewpoint and have someone get together with you and your husband to talk things over.  


Apply these practicals and see how the Lord works! Trusting in God's plans and His order will usher in many blessings! As you and your husband apply these principals to your marriage, you will see your marriage grow and to Him be the glory!

‘This is How We Role’ Part I: The Husband’s Role

Often when I begin counseling sessions with people in my marriage ministry, I begin with the basic roles God lays out for us in the books of Ephesians and 1Peter. I believe wholeheartedly that if you can get these on straight, you have a strong basis from which to work in order to grow your relationship in a God glorifying manner. For today’s post we will begin with some practical teachings for husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. - Ephesians 5: 25-30

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. - 1 Peter 3:7

The bible says that as husbands, we must be considerate of our wives and love them as Christ loved the church. These verses show that married love is not all about attraction, but about deep, heart-felt love, love that is intimate and sacred. It calls us to have a love that is holy and set apart from the world’s definition.
As husbands, we must be willing to die to ourselves for our wives and put their needs above and beyond our own. This is contrary to our sinful nature which is unloving and rooted in selfishness. We have to fight to be righteous and not be more concerned about our time, our projects, our looks, or even our sexual needs.
The loving husband cares in feeling and in deed for his spouse. He can answer the question “How is your wife doing?” with a deeper answer than “Fine.” He knows what she is feeling and he knows where she is emotionally. He cares for his spouse as God does.

The loving husband gives his time, his effort, and his heart to meet his wives’ needs.
Here are seven practical points for husbands to become more loving to their wives:

1. Maintain a close relationship with God. When you are close to God and desire to please Him, you will love your wife deeply.
2. Pray alone and WITH YOUR SPOUSE! – Pouring out your heart to God will allow you to do the same for your wife. When you pray together, you will get insight into her heart.
3. Lay down your life for her. Jesus died for his bride. Will you die to yourself for yours? Sacrifice to meet her needs, put hers above your own. Figure out what you can do to make her life easier and then do it. From doing her chores, to giving her massages; go the extra mile for her.
4. Focus on the good in your wife, take time to admire her. Pursue her. Remember the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place. Part of loving her perfectly, is loving her romantically.
5. Make your wife second only to God. God is first, but then your wife is number two. Put her above football, above the kids, above your projects, and above your job. Give her the priority she deserves.
6. Seek advice and wisdom. There is a wealth of wisdom among other Christians on how to be a better husband. Talk to older married couples. Find out what encourages other married women and try some of them out of your spouse. Make it your goal to find new ways to inspire your spouse spiritually and emotionally.
7. Deal with your emotions. Stuffing them or parading around angry won’t help you love your wife. Deal with them, get in touch, and share them with a close friend who can help you and then share them with your wife. This will bond you as never before.

Try these things and enjoy the role God has called you to and watch your marriage grow!