Most ‘bumps’ that occur in marriages come from bad communication habits that have been developed over time. Here are some tried and true practical points to help you overcome the difficulties we sometimes face in communicating with our spouses:
1. Take time to connect with each other – the way your spouse needs to connect.
‘Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.’
Proverbs 12:18
Good communication between a husband and wife is a function of emotional connection. When a couple feels connected, they communicate well, and when they feel disconnected they communicate poorly, regardless of their choice of words and communication techniques. If you are not emotionally bonded, you will miscommunicate often.
2. Give the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best, not the worst.
‘A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.’ Proverbs 17:27
Frequently we do the opposite. We often operate as if our spouse has bad intentions or is out to get us. We need to make sure we give them the benefit of the doubt until we find out for sure what is going on. We cannot continue to jump to conclusions because, when you do, it is usually a jump off a cliff of misunderstanding.
3. Achieve understanding.
‘The words of a man's mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.’ Proverbs 18:4
When communicating with your spouse, take the time to make sure you achieve understanding. Don’t just assume your spouse understands, but don’t make them feel like you’re talking down to them either. It is easy to get frustrated when our spouses don’t understand right away and for our tone to become sarcastic or condescending. A healthy dose of patience in our communication can go a long way to eliminating misunderstandings.
4. Be honest, but not mean.
‘Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.’ Ephesians 4:15
Some think being ‘brutally’ honest is the best approach, but let’s just say the word ‘brutal’ should stay out of marriages all together! On the contrary, the Bible says ‘Speak the truth in love…’ and that is the key. Being lovingly honest and not mean-spirited is the heart behind good communication. We have to tell the truth, but be kind in doing so. When we get questions like ‘How do you like my hair?’ or ‘Does this make me look fat?,’ we can communicate honestly, lovingly and thoughtfully. For instance, if asked, ‘How do you like my outfit?,’ you can say, ‘Honestly, it’s not my favorite, but I really like…” and fill in the blank with something you can compliment.
5. Don’t make decisions or have meaningful and/or important conversations when one of you is tired or emotional.
‘When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.’
Proverbs 10:19
You may feel like you have to have a decision made from your mate when they are in the midst of exhaustion or emotional turmoil, but it is always better to wait. Let them get some rest or settle down before you engage in the topic. Don’t let “good times go bad” due to poor timing. Sometimes, it is best to just let it go and wait for a better time. Odds are the conversation or decision will be much better when you go this route!
6. Have planning times where you talk business, and play times when business talk is not allowed.
‘The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.’ Proverbs 16:21
Never running through your schedules and plans is just asking for trouble, but so is just talking about schedules and business. You spouse is your loving companion, not your business partner. Try this: Have a planning time on Sunday night to discuss your schedule and what the plans are for the coming week. Also, as a part of those plans, schedule time to go on a date or at least make time for meaningful and fun conversation.
7. Encourage, encourage, and encourage again.
‘Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.’
Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are sweet and we don’t hear them near enough. Share kind words and encouragement with your spouse daily. Be deep with them as well. ‘You are really great honey’ is good, but go deeper and share more meaningfully. It will strengthen your spouse’s soul!
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again! Be patient as you implement these tips, and watch the communication in your marriage blossom and grow in ways you never thought possible!
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